Today's post is a Remix from Vasavi Kumar, shared with me by Robin Williamson, devoted CCA member. (By the way, if you love CCA's amazing website, we have Robin to thank for the gorgeous work!)
I've included only a small excerpt from the post, but you should absolutely read the full post here.
From a young age I was made aware that I was different. That I didn't belong and didn't quite fit in.
My peers taught me so much:
I don’t matter.
I was socially “uncool” yet worthy of rejection and teasing.
I’m a loser, weak, and deserve to be alone because I look different.
The most I can expect in my relationships, is to be alone.
I am a fundamentally flawed human being.
And, I hated myself and who I was because of that. I’m also aware that these are the stories I created as a result of what happened. I attached meaning to everything so as to make sense out of why I was being treated this way.
The result: Extremely low self-esteem. And it looked something like this:
I would beat myself up for everything, even when everyone told me I did a good job. Because of course, I could always do better right?
I would say sorry when I wasn't actually sorry, or at the weirdest times, like if someone else would bump into me or I wanted to express a different point of view.
Oh and making mistakes? No matter how big or small, it was the sin of all sins. All my mistakes would be catastrophized and I would want nothing more than to hide under a rock from the guilt and shame I was experiencing for not having been perfect.
Saying no to others was torture, and all I ever wanted was to be alone because then at least I knew I would avoid feeling less than (guess again, because wherever you go there you are).
So is this blog post about white people?
No. Not in the way that you may think.
As my fierce and feminine friend Nisha Moodley says, "Treating racism with racism doesn't work." (click to tweet tweet)
You see, it’s easy to pass blame on “other people.” But this isn't about “us” versus “them,” whoever “them” may be for you or me.
This is about low self-esteem and self-rejection and what happens when you allow your distorted sense of Self to run your life. (thanks to my fabulous friends Jen Kem and Nisha Moodley for shedding major light on this for me.)
Honestly, it could have been anyone who taunted and teased me growing up, and the impact would have been the same.
A sense of Self rooted in rejection, unworthiness, and inferiority.
Self-rejection is poison, and I far too long have drank this poison.
This poison is so strong that I myself forget that I am a Divine Being and question my own feelings, wants, and desires.
I still need to remind myself every day. That I am not my past. I am not the words that have been spoken to me. I am not my distorted sense of Self created by me when I was a child.
That I simply…am.
And what I choose to insert after that is entirely up to me.
I’d absolutely love to hear your answer to this question down below in discussion section: What do you need to do to love and accept yourself?
Spend time with yourself. Become your best friend. Do whatever it takes to feel good about yourself. (click to tweet tweet)
Treat yourself with respect and kindness. Fight the urge to reject yourself.
This post was so good... remember, check it out the full version here.